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A Modern Proposal: Why Murder Should Be Legalized

When thinking about the state of America today, there are surely elements that are less than ideal. There are many issues that Americans are split on: how lax immigration laws should be, who should be able to obtain welfare, and whether Tom Brady or Peyton Manning is the better quarterback (Aaron Rodgers wins). There are, of course, other things that we can all agree upon: We hate taxes, and distrust the vast majority of the officials we have elected to lead us along with their policies.

Musing about the maladies of an entire nation, one aspect of life with daily exposure is crime. Frequently we hear about people kidnapping and abusing children; we are sandbagged with stories of shootings in schools; rapes and stabbings are ubiquitous occurrences in quiet suburban neighborhoods where we least expect them to take place.

Now, it is important to consider as well that we have a group of men and women whose very livelihood is to protect and serve within the confines of the law so that we can be protected from these violent crimes. This law is itself set up to protect its citizens. These officers admirably and often heroically carry out their mandate in society. Many times we are safer for it.

What about those times that the police cannot protect us? Well in these cases we have a legal system that is designed to uphold the law of the land. Our esteemed legislators that we largely disagree with have attempted to stem the tide of crime that is an unfortunate by-product of civilized society. Suffice it to say, though, that many offenses go unpunished, and many wrongs go un-righted. What has developed, then is a lawlessness rampant in our civilization. In effect, the laws are ineffective, the police are handcuffed by procedural limitations, and arbiters of justice don't pass down rulings that reflect the very document that was designed to be the basis of judgments.

In view of these considerations I have reflected long and hard about what the right course of action is to be. My thoughts affirm there is only one rational recourse: Let the average citizen take the practice of judgment into his or her own hands as he or she might see fit. In order to truly empower these bold citizens (that is to say every citizen as they have equal rights under the social contract), they must be granted super-legal status so that the onus of justice-rendering might be capable of efficacious enactment. They thus must be able to take human life at their sole discretion, provided that the object of their action was intending to harm society.

Not only should societal harm occasion this power, but it should extend also to those who are judged to be inconvenient to any upstanding citizen whose tolerance and rights we here protect. Our societal tolerance is at its zenith, as it has become the buzzword of all those who extend bigoted views while hiding behind the word's connotation. No more let us tolerate those impeding our progress. 

While this motion will assuredly raise alarm in the community as a whole from the outset, the idea of sanctified murder as taboo is merely an archaic misconception of the social construct, arbitrarily put into law by men who were themselves inconvenient in the grand movement of progress.The idea that men and women should be protected from mortal harm is just an outdated concept we have accepted without thought to our power and wisdom as modern men.

To those who clamor for a "recognition of human dignity" and "the value of human life", you are all led astray by antiquated ideologies which have no place in this, our modern reign of man. It is much more important to cater to the needs of the most influential and best fit of society, and let survival of the fittest take its natural course (speeded up by progress' hand, of course). We the few need not be inconvenienced.

Indeed our society has already begun to embrace this our proposal! What a century the last has been. Not only have we been able to change the culture's viewpoint of child-bearing from being natural and healthy to being foreign and outdated, but we have even been able to convince the future of our country that sex is sport and contraception an expected practice! How far we've come.

On a related note, that illustrious and noble endeavor that is Planned Parenthood celebrated their 98th birthday in the family planning business a week ago! In honor of such prolonged success at exercising this motion in a more focused practice that I now suggest in a broader vein, I would like to share a story of a woman that I happened to speak to a few days before.

She told me how inconvenient her three year old son was to her sometimes. "Well, I responded, why don't you just get rid of it?' As she is not yet as progressive as she ought to be she was momentarily taken aback. After thinking a minute she confessed "I thought of that very thing during the pregnancy, which was terribly inconvenient for me. During the second trimester when he was just a bundle of cells I definitely considered it. He turned into a human person in my womb just as I was screwing up my nerve to cast off the burden of my inconvenience." Oh unhappy fault that limits our good citizens such! Why shouldn't we be able to kill our new born babies when we are fully within our rights to do so at the arbitrary time set forth! We all know and accept without question that at midnight on the first day of the third trimester the unborn actually becomes a human being, and not an hour before it is just a bunch of cells!

This removal of litigation from killing done by good citizens of those they find inconvenient (or really even dull) will boost our economy five-fold. With vagrant vigilantism comes a security that will make the police unnecessary. We can use the extra cash flow from the state to pay down our deficit! Or we could just not pay it. It is terribly inconvenient and quite a headache. The dissolution of the police force thus results in more justice to the average citizen, provides more security, and boosts state cash flow as a pleasant by-product.

In summation, we consider it of utmost importance to repeal these restrictions elected officials have placed upon us. We, as citizens, have the right to get rid of whomever we choose as long as we can satisfy to others that that person was  irrefutably rather inconvenient. The natural family planning that Planned Parenthood offers has freed us to finally move to a more progressive viewpoint regarding those we find unimportant. While we fight for our right to dole out justice and removal of those whom we find bothersome, let "My body, my choice!" echo from the rooftops. Soon our freedom will truly be unencumbered when we have the general acceptance necessary to kill those that we would rather not deal with.

NB: If you haven't read Jonathan Swift's essay "A Modest Proposal" I highly recommend you do so. It's only a few pages long.

~Worley


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