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A Canary in a Pear Tree: A Buzzfeed-Style Commentary

Every single one of you get out of my house 

For some reason pre-ordained by a mystical being, my labor of life takes place in a bank located inside of a grocery store. While this "Inception-like" locale offers many interesting wrinkles (Imagine if it were a bank inside a grocery store inside a thrift store #mindblown), it also offers challenges. 

 One of the greatest challenges to my remaining sanity is the music played inside of a grocery store. It consists of about thirty songs that loop continuously. It makes you hate the songs you like and abhor the songs you hate. For some reason they also play some really creepy songs like Clay Aiken's "Invisible": "If I was invisible. Then I could just watch you in your room. " No Clay. Just no.

 So when Christmas season rolls around (aka November 26th to these people) you immediately get buffeted with the jolly and cloying, cacophonous and cookie-cut Christmas crap they play on the radio. You all know the feeling of having jingle bells echoing through your ears and artists going on about cheer and fires and whatnot. In reality, though, the celebration of the holiday itself has changed from those motifs.

 In recognition of that change, as well as a metaphorical "burning in effigy" of inane Christmas songs, I thought it would be a mirthful event to summarize what it would be like to actually receive the 12 gifts of Christmas. 

 It is actually 79 gifts if you count the partridge and pear tree as separate, and they are all pretty terrible. So relax, and let the Canary sing you a little ditty about Jack and Diane, and the one fateful Christmas where Jack tried to be just a little too cute...

Day 1:  A partridge in a pear tree
Jack: "Merry Christmas, Diane, here's a bird in a tree to put in your living room!"

 Diane: "I'm allergic to pears and you know for a fact my cat's going to eat that bird."

Day 2:  Jack gets Diane two pigeons he calls "turtle doves"
Jack: "Merry Christmas, Doll! I was able to catch these for you with the assistance of the homeless lady in Central Park and some bread! Now they can keep the partridge company!"

 Diane: "Aw what a sweet thought! You do remember that within an hour of putting that bird in my living room yesterday it was eaten right? Those birds are the ugliest fowl i've ever seen and I have no idea what you want me to do with them.

Day 3:  Flushed with success, Jack continues the bird theme
Jack: "I know how much you have always wanted to go to France!" I'll still have to get you a rooster, though!"

 Diane: "Jack, I'm serious now. You seem to have this sick idea that 1) I like birds and 2) I have an Audubon research center in my studio apartment. Please stop."

Day 4:  The one where he thought she was joking...

Jack: "Hahaha Diane! I know you love these. Happy Christmas; love you, babe!"

 Diane: "Christmas is over. I think we might be over. We need to take a break."

Day 5:  Jack TOTALLY REDEEMS HIMSELF

Jack: "Look, Diane, I'm sorry. I really thought you liked birds. I need you back."

 Diane: "*Melts* AWWWWW! I'm still mad that you kissed Freida Feltcher yesterday.

 Jack: "WE...WERE ON...A....BREAK!

Day 6:  Jack just really can't get it

Jack: "Ok, I know we talked about the bird thing, but these are LAYING geese. Like they lay eggs."

 Diane: "You got me 5 golden rings so I'm letting this go. You do know all birds lay eggs, right...?"

Day 7:  Jack saves face by alliteration
Jack: "Where are all your other birds??? Check these silly swans out; they swim!

 Diane: "I cooked them all and fed them to your relatives. You know I'm a sucker for alliteration."

Day 8:  The ever-practical Jack goes big in a move for 

               establishing Diane's self-sustaining lifestyle 

Diane: "Now you want to turn my living room into some first world country sweat/milk shop?  I'm an independent woman. I can milk these 8 cows myself."

Day 9:  Jack tries to make things a little more light-hearted

Jack: "I thought that instead of going to a show I could bring the show to you!"

 Diane: "You watched 'Chicago' last night, didn't you."

Day 10:  Jack tries to both redeem his earlier 

                mistake and use alliteration. 
Jack: "I know the ladies weren't really up your alley. I saw an ad for these bros and thought of you! Plus they were half-off in honor of the new year!"

 Diane: "What ever made you think that having 9 dancers dancing and 10 lords a leaping in an 800 sq. foot apartment was a good idea.You even managed to make a mess of the girl/guy ratio which is going to lead to all sorts of problems."  

Day 11:  The one left-out lord, feeling scorned, burns down

                Diane's apartment. Jack thinks music will lighten the               
               mood

Jack (as sirens wail and Diane's apartment is a fiery inferno): "Look Diane, I'm really sorry about your apartment. I hired these guys to express to you my feelings."

 Diane: *Tries to be able to even*

Day 12:  Hit the road, Jack
Jack: "Happy Ephiphany. I thought we'd get into the whole little drummer boy thing with a few drummers." Also I've spent over 100K on all this so can I borrow some cash?

 Diane: *Beats Jack senseless, steals his car, and drives to mexico*
~Worley

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