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The Mover's Guide to Idiots

Freecycle: Moving worthless trash from one good home to another

I recently changed my location of residence. When I move, I tend to try to stay within 7 minutes of my last place of residence because it's a pain to move all my stuff around and I'm trapped in a certain geographic location with little hope of escaping. I also try to get rid of all of the largest sized items that I own. Living the life of a nomad, you can't be loading up couches and massive early-2000s TVs into your buddy's truck. I mean, you can, but it's easier to put it up on Craigslist and then suffer through the scams, no-shows, and people trying to get things for free than to load, drive, and unload your things, right? So it was with me while I was in the midst of the moving frenzy. I sold my buddy my TV (You still owe me $10; you know who you are), got rid of my couch, and headed into greener pastures unencumbered by the cares (and comforts) of furniture. 

 I was, however, in luck, as my new landlord happened to have a loveseat (missing two back cushions) which he generously offered for my use. So it happened that I now have a loveseat made of jeans (AKA "Jouch"). I don't know when the denim couch was a thing, but it is know; it is my thing. Sometimes I lay in its enfolding embrace eating popsicles and thinking of how this womb made of jeans harkens me back to my years of jean overalls. We've all been there; and we loved it. To quickly go back to the term "landlord" though...how awesome is the term LANDLORD. Anyone that can call himself/herself a landlord must feel like a feudal baron, collecting taxes from the plebs just for their living on his/her land. I seriously doubt that they imagine themselves in such a fashion, but I am committed to buying a run-down house and renting it out to people just so I can be a lord of the land. 

 Once I established myself into my domicile, I scoured craigslist and freecycle for those things that we need most and care least about. Like lamps, tables, chairs etc. Looking through my freecycle emails, I was immediately struck by how utterly insane people are. For those not familiar with how it works, people either offer things for free, or they put out a message stating what they want. Sometimes, instead of saying something like "Wanted: 6 cats' tails" people will put instead "ISO: 6 cat's tails," which I just learned means "In sore need of." What people are in sore need of is pretty hilarious. I saw one a few months ago that was "ISO: Pillowcases, ANY COLOR." 

 Then there was (no joke): 

 "ISO: Laptop Computer - Mine just died. Need it for work." Ma'am, it's called freecycle for a reason; who is going to give you a $400 computer? Knock and the door will be opened, I guess.

 Even better than the things people are trying to get is what people are trying to get rid of on Freecycle. Granted, there are some things that people will find use for, and that's great. When a lady puts up "massive box of yarn - all colors," you know some woman going through the "I'm going to start making quilts for all my children" stage is hitting that up ASAP. But some things people post are just priceless (unable to be found of value):

 "OFFER: Dozens of plastic bottles with lids
I have dozens of 1 and 2 litre plastic bottles with lids - going to start putting in recycling bin." 

You know somebody heeded that ultimatum and snatched that jive up before it was too late. Honestly that call to action made me consider it in a euphoric haze of free-questing. It's kind of deceitful like that; tricks your mind. I know this headline did:

"OFFER: GRASS CLIPPINGS
perfect for mulch posts. Been saving them for years."

WHAT?

I guess the phrase "One man's trash is another man's treasure" is supposed to show that value can be subjective. But maybe, too, it's about offering to help out people who might be crazy in need. Maybe it is good that the culture is trying to recycle things rather than just throw them away. All I know is that I have the Jouch, and I shall enjoy it in homage to those men and women out there on Freecycle: the crazy ones, the hoarders, and the normal people just trying to help each other out/get rid of things that cost money to take to dumps.

~Worley



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